The Fro Speaks #14 – “From Fernweh to Enoument”

Life doesn’t slow down.

I remember being a pre-teen, observing the fact I had an ‘old soul’ – like I identified with a 50 year old person, y’know?

Not necessarily in a “seen it all, done it all, know it all” kind of way but I made mature statements and held my own in conversations with adults. My old friend Cameron used to say I spoke in ‘big college words’.

In a spiritual sense, I felt a sense of deja vu in places I’d never been before.

I always felt like things would get better with age.

But, you and I both know there’s an ebb and flow to things.

Death happens – things (i.e. concepts or relationships) die, people die… and sometimes that in itself – not the pain and not the act of dying but the letting go, the embrace of uncertitude followed by realization and self-actualization, what that represents – maybe that’s a miracle too.

I’ve grown to realize miracles are what you make of them.

I also learned to trust my gut.

So, I just wrapped acting in my first feature film.

I’m not entirely sure I’ve processed the experience yet.

Amidst the chaos of my life during Home, I’m Darling! came the notice to audition and one thing led to another and… and… and…

Of course, life and art remain intrinsically linked.

This is a movie about life and death and love. It’s regret and indecision, how we respond to grief, how we cope… or maybe it’s none of those things – that’ll be up to you to decide.

As work on Discernment began (i.e. callbacks and then rehearsals), I was in the midst of some massive life changes.

I still am, in a lot of ways.

Unsurprisingly, the film raises questions which subsequently entwined with questions I was asking about my own life when I recieved the offer to play Justin, the film’s lead character. In other words, to say working on this film has been an emotional journey would be a massive understatement.

I can also say, though, it was a blast from start to finish and an immensely exciting challenge as an actor and performer.

Ryan La Via, Ryan Hill, and Jessica Gallow assembled an awesome team of professionals (and Conflix grads, I might add!) to bring La Via’s vision to life.

I don’t really know where to begin when it comes to thanking everyone involved in making this film, especially since this really was a dream come true for little ol’ Austin.

I dreamt of acting in film since one of the earliest memories I have of watching a film.

The film in question won’t surprise anyone who knows me, truth be told.

Tim Burton’s Batman (1989) was mindblowing for me, as a kid.

The effects, the performances, the drama and melodrama. I ate it right up.

Embarassingly, I started calling Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale my ‘girlfriend’. You didn’t need to know that, did you? I guess nothing is cringe when you’re barely five years old. Who am I kidding, we didn’t even have ‘cringe’ back then – we watched commercials for board games that made no sense and we liked it, damn it!

Anyway, my love of film and acting would only continue to grow from Burton’s Batman on.

I won’t bore you with a definitive list of films I love. My taste is wild and eclectic, ranging from The Kiss of the Spider Woman (1985) to Saw (2003) to Cheaper By The Dozen (2006).

Mean Girls (2005) is always at the top. Batman (1989) and Matilda (1996) are up there too.

And we haven’t even touched on Pulp Fiction (1994), Chronicle (2012), Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), Clerks (1994), or Awakenings (1990).

Okay, I said I wouldn’t bore you with a list and now look at the mess I’ve made.

Of course, I’m just naming movies I love, indiscriminately.

“The limit does not exist”, after all.

The long and short of it is that I’ve spent my whole life watching, consuming, obsessing over, and loving every aspect of film.

I love movies but I also love the filmmaking process.

Heck, I just love the fact we get to create at all – let alone on-camera!

It reminds me of when I was much, much younger, coming up with elaborate stories using my minifigures in the Lego city I built. Often, those stories would involve some superhero or vigilante figure – typically Batman, Spider-Man, or The Punisher.

I used to renact entire “movies” as I envisioned them.

Eventually, all of that creative energy wound up funnelled mostly into writing instead (barring a few failed attempts by my friends and I to actually shoot a film of some kind).

Truly, it’s quite the mental exercise trying to pinpoint exactly how and when this obsession began.

Maybe it was the Mortal Kombat script I started writing sitting next to my bestfriend Shawn in the computer room of my childhood home or maybe it was sometime before that when I wrote a Mario Bros. story and a Mega Man comic book… did I mention that I’m a huge nerd and always have been?

Oh, and thanks to Maranda, the list of movies I love only continues to grow.

Anyone here seen Scaramouche (1952)?

She also got me to finally watch The Princess Bride (1987) which I had, embarassingly, never seen before in its entirety.

I can see why it’s gained such a cult following. I loved every minute of it.

I’m also a sucker for anything Cary Elwes and Mandy Patinkin decide to take a stab at (pun intended).

All of this to say that my experience with Discernment, working with the crew and my fellow castmates, reminded me once again just how much I love the art of film and filmmaking.

Not only that, my desire to continue acting on film is, for lack of a better word, voracious.

Regardless of what the future holds, I couldn’t be more thankful to Ryan (La Via), Ryan (Hill), and Jess for trusting Jenn and I to inhabit our characters and breathe life into the narrative. The responsibility was not lost on me.

I laughed, I cried, I danced a lot, I threw one too many containers of Thai food at Jess, and I made new friends along the way…

The whole experience felt like a full circle moment.

Working with Jess again, in particular, was meaningful considering we shared the stage in my first 10×10 festival here in Thunder Bay; my first foray into the wider theatre community of Thunder Bay.

Years later, Jess cast me in The Snow Queen, and welcomed me to ‘theatre for the love of it’ with Cambrian Players.

Another life-changing moment.

Who knew, just two years after Jess cast me in my first Cambrian show, I’d be wearing antlers again for a different show…

Okay, that segue may have been misleading.

While I may not have been among the remarkably talented cast who brought Moosef***er, Ontario to life onstage for its world premiere, I did co-produce the show and starred in a series of countdown videos leading up to opening night.

I can’t really describe the show to you and I’m not sure I should even try; it’s just one of those things you have to experience for yourself.

I can tell you, from my perspective, it was a great way to learn some new skills producing a theatrical production and shooting in multiple locations for the ads.

More than that, it gave me another opportunity to watch and support artists I love and admire and some who I had the pleasure of meeting for the first time.

I do also think it would benefit from a tour around Northern Ontario, actually.

In that spirit, I direct you to founder of New Noise Productions and writer of Moosefucker, Ontario, Andrew Paulsen.

Funnily enough, Discernment is based on a play Andrew wrote called Come and Find Me.

It’s all connected.

In all seriousness, my experience with Moose helped me broaden my skillset while pushing me in ways I never anticipated. I feel like I only played a small role in the show’s success given the enormity of its technical and narrative intricacies.

Of course, there were other things happening simultaneously because, as I mentioned, life doesn’t slow down.

Amidst Moosef***ery and film rehearsals, a remarkable opportunity presented itself and all it took was one word for me to say yes: “Muppets.”

And wow – I mean, just look at that cast!

I was humbled and honoured to share the stage with so many incredible people / artists who I admire. For two nights, we were the Muppets.

We made the music, we lit the lights, we met The Muppet Script with all the excitement and craziness it called for under the big Magnus Theatre tent.

It was pure magic.

I think what’s most impressive about the whole two-night production is simply how quick everyone slipped into their roles and the show took shape.

How can you say no to The Muppets? You don’t! Not an option.

I’d been craving a musical experience of some kind too, considering I hadn’t starred in anything musical like that since high school and Beal Musical Theatre.

It was like a breath of fresh air to sing again in a musical-lite production, rather than saving it all for karaoke at The Bar and longing for the days when I got a solo in “Run and Tell That” or when I played TonTon Julian in Once On This Island.

And, of course, it was a great opportunity to work with Magnus.

Just a few months earlier, I had my first-ever experience on the Magnus stage with 2025’s 10×10 Festival. Again, a throwback considering my first time onstage in the Bay was at the Finlandia for 2016’s 10×10 Festival.

This time, I had the privelege of co-starring alongside Janice Swanson in The Cave, written by Katya Arifin, and directed by Mackenzie Dillon.

Another honour and privilege beyond words.

Peep the ol’ Facebook page for my post about my time with The Cave.

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So yeah.

There’s my, “where the heck have you been Austin?” rant about all of the things that have kept me from answering messages or falling behind on social media interactions. My mind is constantly racing. I’m still just trying to catch it, most days.

Which brings us home…

“And then I’ll be a memory of your dodgy decisions
Your ex, your old sex, your old weathered tradition
And you’ll no longer kiss me, or hate me, or miss me
Or have to defend me, or teach me, or rest me
[…]
And for holding me close, and wiping my cheek
And slapping me up when I get too weak
And for touching my skin, and biting my lip
And spitting me out, and breathing me in
And telling me that everything’s gonna be alright
So now I guess that it is, baby so good luck
Thank you, and good night.”

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Settle in, folks, this is a long one… wait, I guess it’s already been a long one if you’re still reading this.

Let me tell you a story using music.

I mean, it makes sense, given I spend most of my days driving around, pretending to be in a music video while I listen to my tunes.

Anyway, to the music…

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me (I’m the problem, it’s me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.”

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I love the process of unlearning.

I guess what I mean by that is I find joy sometimes (as much as I may also find frustration) in the process of “untangling the weeds,” so to speak.

Just to be a little more cryptic.

But my point is simply this: I never want to stop being there for myself – and I never want the opinions of others to influence my joy or ability to live my life. Easy peasy, right?

Obviously not, but it’s a staunch goal of mine.

I keep loving. I keep breathing. Try and stop me, I say!

There’s nothing worse than feeling like your own worst enemy. I’ve been there.

People will talk, especially when you make decisions that are best for you. Even more so when the general perception doesn’t capture the complete picture.

“If a tree falls,” amirite?

Life is complicated. Heroes and villains be damned.

We don’t always get to decide who we are in someone else’s story… all we can really choose is who we are to ourselves.

I choose to be true.

“If it makes you happy
It can’t be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?”

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Endings are hard.

Much like one of my all-time writing idols, Stephen King (yes, I know, as the kids would say this makes me ‘based’ – whatever man, his streak in the 80s and 90s gave us some postmodern classics), I sometimes struggle with endings.

Historically, change has been terrifying yet liberating for me.

A chapter, a poem, a movie, an experience, a relationship, or a life… a blog post.

Where do we begin when it comes to ‘the end’?

And, in that way, how amazing is it to look around and realize: we are all writers.

Chinua Achebe, the prolific Nigerian author of Things Fall Apart, gave us a lovely nugget of wisdom when he challenged his readers with a simple statement: “If you don’t like someone’s story, write your own.”

Circumstances matter, of course, as does context.

We are all ‘writing’ the narratives of our lives by living and acting and loving and sharing stories and on and on…

Ah, the ebbs and flows.

It’s only been in recent years I started to view life as a mountain range, with peaks and valleys and mysterious lakes to explore.

But always with that energy of exploration, growth, and discovery.

Life, from my perspective, has a lot to do with exploration and the commitments we make – choosing what’s right for ourselves but also having the awareness to recognize when a choice hurts or hinders us.

And so, I produced a play, became a Muppet, and just wrapped shooting my first feature film all in one summer.

What could have been a period of echoey, chaotic, self-destruction if I was making choices to hinder myself became, instead, a period of self-discovery, awakening, and love to its fullest.

And since I’m such a mantra-centric guy, here’s a little creedo:

I will go on that camping trip.

I will say yes to that acting job.

I will finish my novel and publish it.

I won’t listen to people who want me to hide parts of myself.

I won’t let anyone tell me who to be or how to conduct my social life.

I won’t be beholden to anyone but myself, my responsibilities, and the people I love and with whom I share mutual respect.

Oh, and it goes without saying that I’ll continue to see my therapist. Everyone should have one – like your regular health pracitioner or dentist; at least go for regular check-ups, for goodness sake!

“The sandflies and the champagne
You’re closed off, I’m so drained
But a sparkle in the rare case
That you tell me I’m your sunray
I’m starved of your affection
You’re crushed under the pressure
But you won’t change
No, you won’t change.”

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I have an oxymoronic relationship with awareness.

Both the weight and weightlessness of knowledge – how it simultaneously frees and condemns – perplex and fascinate me.

There’s also a weightlessness in the freedom of embracing yourself.

On that note, there are some things I won’t share about what I’ve been working on but that’s more a matter of timing than anything else.

The point being, I continue to spin many plates. Call me, Plate Man.

Okay, please don’t. I can’t afford a lawsuit and the chances that someone created a character named Plate Man – even just for the bit – are too high for any of us to tango with at this juncture.

But, wait, if you and I are dealing with litigious Plate Man proceedings, and a watermelon is shot out from a cannon at a rate of 60 mph/hr, who is driving this boat and writing my blog post?

These are the questions.

No, I actually just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Moving on!

I’ll take the picture above as the perfect opportunity to segue into all things Cambrian Players, since that was taken at our 75th Annual Gala after all!

Suffice to say, the Gala was an absolute blast… and the dancing was certainly off the chain. A special thank you to Kristina and Sam for keeping our feet, hips, and hearts moving – and everyone involved, especially the 75th Annual Gala Planning Committee for putting together such an remarkable event.

The event featured some fascinating speeches from past presidents’ Gabe Ferrazzo, Richard Pepper, and Eva Burkowski.

The food and venue were top notch thanks to the Slovak Legion.

Our DJ Liam kept the records spinning and the vibes immaculate, as the kids say.

And, of course, Maranda, Katie, and Nat all shone brilliantly as our emcees of the evening – with another special mention going out to Bev, who so eloquently presented the Distinguished Service Award winners alongside Nat.

Bravo to everyone!

And to another successful season… I wonder what the next season holds in-store…?

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I took a trip the other day.

Whoops, there it is: I have this bad habit lately of saying “the other day” when I mean yesterday or a couple days ago. It’s become my catch-all.

Really, this was Tuesday and it was a month and a half ago.

I delievered some supplies to a Camp Gitchigoomee, where Maranda volunteers during the summer. It was a nice opportunity to get out of the city, see the person holding onto my one braincell, and help the camp out!

The drive also gave me time to think and reflect – two things I am notorious for.

I made a new friend on the drive too!

Well, maybe ‘friend’ is a step too far… more like, ‘friend-shaped’ wild animal that would tear me to shreds for sustenance based on instinct alone.

So, basically, ‘friend’.

No, but in actuality I thought a lot about the events of the past year and the last three years in particular.

A lot has changed in my life.

The trajectory of our lives can change so quickly and what never ceases to amaze me is how we are simultaneously so in-control and not so.

Make a plan… right?

But I’ve learned to embrace the chaos – to finally understand it for what it is and stop turning my back on it:

I am not lost. I have never felt more seen or found.

Reality both is and isn’t what we make of it.

It’s like The Cave.

I think, maybe for a long time, I didn’t quite know who I was.

A part of me was like tofu, taking on the flavour of whatever mixture of people I was surrounded by or attached to.

But people-pleasing is dangerous work. It separates you from yourself and puts distance between your true self and everyone around you.

How miraculous I finally heard my own voice through the torrent of anxiety, negativity, and insecurity that made me think I needed to be someone I am not.

How beautiful to make mistakes and learn and grow and change.

It’s not disrespectul to others to celebrate the good in life – in fact, that’s human.

What would be disrespectful – to the people, places, and ideas of the last bit of my young life – is to pretend none of it happened and that my experiences didn’t contribute to where I am today or who I am. In doing that, however, I will also take time to recognize the good things that are happening and keep on happening.

My love is whole and multitudinous and far from perfect. Thank goodness.

On that note, I’m taking my fear and turning it into fuel.

A meditation begins: Love alone can’t heal old wounds… but it’s a good place to start.

What happens when you approach the mirror? What do you see? The anti-hero or someone else? Or maybe, like me, you’ve actually started to see yourself.

I don’t expect myself to be perfect. I’m never going to do that again.

And, I’m not going to be anyone other than me.

Remember: Happiness is a feeling. Contendedness is something else. Awarness is everything.

But also, everything is made up and the points don’t matter!

Until next time…