The Fro Speaks #11 – “Premiere”

We came, we saw, we drank “whishkey” and got tap-hackled to amuse the masses of the Ton…

We discovered new friendships, we debuted a local writer’s work, and I think I forgot about how finite these things are in practice (yet infinite in spirit and memory – i.e. in my heart and mind).

Cady (aka dear Franny) brought up a quote a couple of times now that has really stuck with me. She said (and I am grossly paraphrasing here), “The best art is fleeting.”

It reminds me how, standing onstage at the end of BMT’s Hairspray in 2012, I felt that jolt of energy through my soul – that recognition, that addiction to the feeling of creating a moment – an experience.

It’s the same feeling I got during our final bows for Of Marriage Minded Misses.

I mean, really, I had warm fuzzies the whole time!

I walked away from this experience with a sense of pride – not just in myself for memorizing my lines, but also for my stage family and all they achieved.

I mean, it is genuinely INSANE how much I looked forward to every rehearsal. The amount of joy I experienced in my time with this particular group of humanos has been nothing short of life-altering.

From award-winning personalities to triple threat stage chops, I was surrounded by a sea of support, professionalism, and (in)appropriate hilarity.

As the end of our run neared, I was not filled with my usual sense of urgency but rather a mysterious calm… like Master Oogwe before he joins the ancestors in Kung Fu Panda (2011) or – in a weird contrast that is typical of my bad analogy making – when Bruce Banner shows his mastery of Hulk’ing out in Avengers (2012).

My point being it was like a moment of oneness.

Finding ourselves at a period of rest, one question and one question alone remains: now what?

Well, I’ll tell you one thing – I refuse to succumb to PSD (Post-Show Depression, for anyone just joining us).

Instead, I am going to funnel all of this energy – all of the joy because I had the great fortune to be a part of this experience and the melancholy brought on by bittersweet endings such as this – into what I am calling PSR (Post-Show Realization or Revelation, as a good friend suggested to me recently).

No, I’m not sad. I’m motivated. Now perhaps more than ever.

And, actually, I am finally at liberty to announce what is next…

If it hasn’t become obvious yet, I can’t get enough of Cambrian Players – that, and the universe is a funny, fluid thing.

Who knew our director, Andrew Paulsen, would see – in me – the character of Johnny?

What compelled me to audition in the first place?

Of course, life is funny.

Almost as funny and complex as Laura Wade’s script for Home, I’m Darling. Almost.

You finish one show and learn a lot about work-life-theatre balance.

Your relationships are tested, in some ways, as are your own capabilities to be present across all areas of life. Personally, I’m still working on that.

I mean, part of the problem is feeling like I’m making up for lost time.

It reminds me of something my therapist and I were discussing about a week ago.

We were exploring different moments in my life where I felt that I’d made sacrifices or when I’d compromised or dismissed my own feelings and desires to please others.

Surprising no one, there were (at least) a good handful of those moments.

A very long time (see: 12 years) ago, I made a choice not to pursue what might have been one of the coolest opportunities to brush-up on my theatre skills and educate kids at the same time.

A few months later, I rejected a paid acting stint at a regional theatre company.

Fast forward a few years beyond that, I was presented with an opportunity to not only work with an amazing local director but directors from around the world who were coming to Thunder Bay for the express purpose of putting on a mini theatre festival dedicated to diversity and creativity… and guess what?

I turned that down too!

Of course, there were other factors: my choice to pursue a Masters degree, my dedication to High on Hollywood and YouTube content, a general sense I needed to focus more on my own writing.

More than that, I convinced myself that what I wanted did not matter.

My dreams were just dreams – and even though I got that warm n’ fuzzy feeling every time I shared a stage with anyone it was just a feeling and that’s all.

Feelings can come and go.

All of that swam around in my head for a period of time until I’d successfully conditioned myself to believe it.

As my healing journey continues, light and good energy continue to make their way into my life in unexpected ways – such as when my fiancee and I went on our first date.

With each new chapter, I regain a piece of myself I thought I’d lost.

In doing so, I meet so many souls who inspire me.

The more I’ve gotten to know my fiancee since the day we met in high school oh so many years ago, for example, the more I’ve fallen in love (not to get too sappy on you here).

I have never felt as safe and supported in my passion for theatre as I do now.

Then too, if it weren’t for Cambrian Players – and my friend, Jessica Graham, who took a chance and casted me in The Snow Queen (2023) – I think a part of me would still be lost down a well somewhere… that part of me aware of the dramatic arts’ impact on me – my own creativity and motivation to create, the excitement with which I approach new characters and the priviledge to inhabit their shoes.

In the past, I was a self double-agent when it came to my own mental health.

Simply put, I was a hot damn mess.

I learned very quickly the greatest, most challenging role we play in this lifetime is our self.

I also learned I didn’t want to keep living that way.

I’m still untangling those threads to this day but, hey, such is life!

We move on. We strive for healthier outcomes…

With each new milestone we achieve, we can look back and say, “I am proud of the progess I have made so far, with every up and down – progress is non-linear and that’s okay. I’m human. I will not excuse my actions and emotional energy that affects others – I will own it. In doing so, I must take responsibility for any and all of the things I say or do. I can do so while recognizing the circumstances that lead me to feel or act a certain way.”

It’s not a perfect mantra, but I guess that’s part of the point, isn’t it?

It evolves just like we evolve. Like I evolve.

I (greatly) digress, kind of… there is a point I am about to elucidate, I promise.

And, dear reader, my point is simply this: stay true to yourself.

Listen to your mind and body when they tell you that you are betraying yourself. When everything inside of you tells you something is wrong, listen and learn why.

The same goes when everything feels right!

It doesn’t mean psycho-analyze the situation to high hell and obssess until everything loses meaning but it does mean properly processing each experience we go through.

The best way to facilitate this experience in a safe environment is via therapy, I find.

Like me, you might start with therapy and build from there to discover, say, modes of creative expression – like writing or acting – which speak to you but the choice is yours.

The possibilities are endless.

How fortunate I feel to be alive and experiencing life, love, and the excitement of reclaiming my passion and interests.

Cambrian Players showed me there’s more to being yourself than a back-and-forth between working and therapy. I need acting – just like I need writing. These are vital creative outlets not just for my mind but my spirit as well – my soul (whether you believe in that or not).

Here’s to what lies ahead.

Here’s to love in all of its forms onstage and off – the longevity of the loving spirit when it is transformed into something equally moving: art.

And here’s to those who never believed in themselves because they always felt like too much or not enough. You are seen and you are loved and there is always a place for you. The first step is embracing yourself.