The Fro Speaks #5 – The End is the Beginning is the End

The Fro Speaks is an ongoing series in which I describe my engagement with life’s many hurdles. Read, watch, and listen as I slowly descend into some sort of semi-functional madness! Or make it as a filmmaker/writer… which ever comes first.

“Every day I fight a war against the mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me.”

Well, as I’ve recently discovered I’m good at being a quiet disaster.

And, I’m moving out into a new place, where I can be a contained disaster!

To sing a slightly more optimistic tune, I am pretty excited about getting out on my own considering I’ve spent a good chunk of time living with roommates up here in the Bay. Not that I haven’t loved living with said roommates – those living situations up here have resulted in some of my closest friendships.

The end of an era is nigh.

To be fair, transitions like this always fill me with that classic mixture of dread and excitement. an unerringly bittersweet combo. Now the question remains: will I free fall or stand tall?

I’m aiming for the latter.

I’m writing down my goals. Trying to plan ahead as much as possible but only really just starting. I realize now how much my anxiety rules my life and social interactions.

Right now it feels like I’ve created walls – not to protect myself but to protect those around me from my own depression and anxiety.

And so, slowly but ever so surely, I have continued to shoulder the weight of my own mental exhaustion, my sadness, and my inability to ask for help despite desperately needing support of some kind.

How slick the surface is upon which I glide to life’s most overwhelming uncertainties… the words of an anxious young man lost at sea, I know.

On days when life swallows me whole I tend to sink into myself.

Then, naturally, I start to wonder why I can’t just be alone without feeling alone. Can I just move to the mountains and train with ninjas?

Inevitably, I’d have to disagree with their idea of “justice” and destroy their base of operations though. Life isn’t fair, kids.

On a more serious note, I’m gearing up for another year of school and prospective jobs. I have so many things to do. My plate is beyond full – so full it’s a dump truck, not a plate anymore.

I do this to myself.

And, just like that, I must take action to ensure I don’t keep overloading myself or spread myself too thin. Or have I already done that?

On the other hand, what good does isolating myself do? How do I strike a healthy balance?

I’m learning… growing…

… and reminding myself that I have to catch me before I fall.

“The night is darkest just before the dawn.”

I have to learn to trust myself. Right now, I still don’t.

I’ve been hiding from myself, which also means hiding from my responsibilities.

I cannot afford to hide any longer. Literally.

My anxiety and the negative energy threatening me cannot win.

I have to be my own (afro-clad) Dark Knight.

Here’s to reminding myself to be the hero I deserve and need.

Here’s to asking for help even when I tell myself I don’t need it. I’m not some symbolic vigilante flying on rooftops. I am but a humble, anxiety-riddled fro-ninja looking forward to some semblance of stability.