the phoenix dances – reflections on the state of humanity and my life in 2019

I’m tempted to ask what the world is “coming to these days?!” but it seems like a fruitless inquiry. The world is as it seems to have always been generally: on the brink of chaos and human self-annihilation.

What a time to be alive.

But, then again, I just saw J.J. Abrams and LucasFilm’s The Rise of Skywalker and it got me thinking about something Rian Johnson hit home in The Last Jedi: the legacy of the Jedi is failure, not heroism. While many have argued that The Rise of Skywalker negates a lot of what Johnson was doing in The Last Jedi I would have to at least somewhat disagree; Rey and Ben both ultimately learn from the mistakes of Jedi and Sith past (without going into mega-spoiler territory).

Although I do think Johnson perhaps hammered home the “let go of the past” narrative a little too hard, what’s really being conveyed is the sense that there’s a big difference between reverence and respect of the past – when we get lost in revering the past, we end up trapped with all the fear, anger, and nostalgia of a bygone era (generally speaking).

What’s the point of my Star Wars aside, you ask?

The world is changing at a rapid pace.

What democracy looks like a year or two from now is a scary thought because of how uncertain the political landscape is. Divisions of race, sex, and class continue to be stoked by a growing number of distractions keeping the general populace suffonsified, while corrupt politicians and moblike criminals perform business deals in full view. Sounds like a comic book – just missing the ubermensch or alien-being to take on the baddies and save the day, proving just how helpless human beings really are.

So that’s a thing… well, more like a few things (and, of course, there’s more – there’s always more).

2019 was a challenging year. Not just for me but for almost everyone it seems. A year of loss, yes – but also a year of immense growth.

The year I realized that life doesn’t and shouldn’t just ‘happen’ – it’s a wave that gets tiring to surf after awhile. When did I suddenly become decisive? It’s hard to say exactly.

But 2019 has come and gone. The fragments of myself that I’ve shed were all part of the withdrawal process – the learning, the growing. Here I am, still learning how to be a human; somedays, literally prying myself up and out of bed because my eyes just didn’t want to open and although my brain was telling me it’s just so comfy! what I was really feeling was the cumbersome weight of depression.

Tl;dr, it happens sometimes. You take the good days and the bad as they come – what’s essential is doing things that you enjoy, spending time with those you love / who love you, and last, but not least, making time for those things. With that dead horse good and thoroughly beaten, I digress.

I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love!

Oh, and the planet is on-fire – including, Australia in particular, where the smoke from recent devastating bushfires can be seen from outer space.

Did I mention I’m in love? This calls for a song!

In all seriousness, climate change has sped up at such a pace that I’m not even entirely certain there’s going to be much of a world for my children – let alone my elderly self, family, and friends. And it’s all thanks to the propagation of a corrupt system of capitalism and neo-colonization, overseen by a patriarchal body of wealthy elitists and “lucky” middle-class schmoozers; all that fun stuff compounded by the consumption of resources by the general populace at an unsustainable rate is painting a scary future.

And what’s going on in Australia isn’t the first incident of its kind and it certainly won’t be the last. As of October 2019, the Amazon Rainforest was still burning.

Business is business. Profits are profits. Humans are just flesh-bags with dollar signs on them, and numbers are God.

Please find me in the Far North, where all of this chaos can be ignored (until they come for my trees and clean water… or drop a nuke).

Did it get bleak and depressing in here?

Woops! Well, I did mention that I’m in-love so there’s that. Y’know, and the generally awesome family and friends that I get to call my family and friends in the first place. I digress, here’s a nice schmoopy picture to lift all of our spirits for even just a minute.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, no matter how awkward that ends up making me look, or how much of an ass I end up making of myself – and I never thought life or the universe would ever bless me with the presence of someone as kind and genuine as Teana.

Without getting too gushy and embarrassing her or even whoever might be reading this, suffice it to say that she’s the best.

And with my heart in safe hands, I’ve been able to turn my attention to other passion-pursuits and yet-to-be-realized film and media projects!

Recently, I had the opportunity to costar in two short films at Confederation College and it really reignited my long-held passion for film and acting-on-film. Getting to speak with everyone on-set (from the gaffer, to the camera operators, to the script supervisor, and assistant director, etc.), I was given a truly golden opportunity to get a solid peek into the film production process firsthand. Trust me, I’ve watched a lot of film documentaries and behind-the-scenes featurettes – but there is nothing quite like actually being on a set and interacting with the crew and fellow cast-members.

Not to mention the shots. The shots! Ah, it’s such an incredible and creative process. I can’t wait to do it again (this weekend, what what!).

I also signed up for a new account on Celtx, a free script-writing tool that I’ve sworn by for years; previously, my account was through a different email address that I no longer use so I had to make a new account but it just meant a blank canvas to start fresh with.

Now, I have several projects in-progress.

And that’s not even touching upon everything up and coming with The Artery 2020, which I am currently editing and compiling for mass-perusal and purchase! Or the podcast that I don’t quite want to give anything away about just yet… but it’s coming!!!

To say that my future is becoming clearer and clearer to me everyday would be a bit of an oversimplification of the complex feelings I’m facing at the moment. My world is expanding rapidly – almost as rapidly as my mind has expanded over the course of my university career. Opportunities continue to arise that give me pause and make me realize how freaking fortunate I am to be where I am and to be doing what I’m doing.

After the uphill battle that was the last half of 2019, I find myself dancing among the pieces of myself that I’ve shed, left scattered to the winds of time.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

– Rumi

So, yeah, my year-in-review: it’s been nuckin’ futs, my friends. It probably will continue to be nuckin’ futs for awhile – likely forever, knowing us humans.

In the meantime, I’m gonna keep trying to find myself or whatever and see what happens along the way.

Also, speaking of dance, go see Cats (2019).

That movie was made for no one and it’s fantastic because of it. Don’t blame me for the cockroaches.

And if you want to cleanse your palate after that, watch Cats the way it was meant to be seen: on a stage, for the love of – !!!

That Rum Tum Tugger though…