letting go – a life update

If you could quantum leap™ back through your own life and change certain things, what would you change? That is, if you’d change anything at all.

Me? Sure, I might not let myself fly over the handlebars of my bike after stopping too fast when I was eleven. I might prevent my six-year-old self from falling face-first down a metal ladder on my public school’s playground, hitting every wrung of the ladder with my upper jaw (despite the fact that I miraculously walked away with nothing more than a chipped front tooth). Physical scars.

Nothing else though. Not if it meant completely undoing the life I’ve led so far – every action, every mistake, every crazy idea inspired my even crazier real-life experiences… how could I throw any of it away when I’m so thankful for who I am and who I have in my life at present?

Frozen here… on the ladder of my life…

Perhaps I am terrified that, having begun to really climb the ladder of my life (so to speak), things can only go well for so long until I fall down the ladder again. Then, of course, I remind myself of the obvious: if you live your life waiting for the bad things to happen, you’ll grow a negative perception and everything will become coloured by those experiences rather than any of the good ones.

I won’t fall into that pit of thought.

Instead, I’m choosing to hold onto what I do have and where I am now. All motion is forward motion.

All of this to say, my life has changed a lot since I last posted on this blog.

Seven years ago, I made the choice to commit myself to sharing my life with another person and through every up and every down stayed committed to what I assumed would be “it”.

Tl;dr >>> it wasn’t “it”.

To describe the emotions I experienced ending a seven-year-relationship would be an impossible task, just as the very act of ending the relationship in itself was a daunting and seemingly un-achievable measure. My brain would constantly tell me, “it’s alright, if you just stick it out a little longer then things will only get better – it’s fine.” And don’t get me wrong, happiness is what you make of it.

There is no happiness to pursue other than that which wells forth from within. We ultimately choose whether to share that happiness with others or not, just as we choose who to share the bad with too.

Happiness, to me, doesn’t mean being happy in the literal sense; it means that even when I’m miserable or feel like isolating myself, I find solace in the little things: in being able to write, seeing a certain someone smile, talk, or even just laugh, the fact that I’m at Lakehead completing a Master’s degree, or the random things that my sister-for-life, Rachel, and I get up to on a daily basis (i.e. terrorize each other relentlessly and make each other laugh like no one else can).

Here I am, preaching about happiness. I’m no expert and am never likely to be.

All I really know is that I made the choice to pursue my own happiness and, eventually, that led me to the pursuit of my dreams: eking out time for my writing (hopefully, to make a living off of it at some point here) and finding someone who I truly feel worth being selfless for.

Now, I turn to mush everyday just thinking about her and all that she means to me.

How could I want to quantum leap through time to change anything about my life if it meant there was even a slight possibility that I’d never meet her? Or that I might not be in the second year of my Master’s degree? Or that the circle of friends who have quickly become my family in the Bay might look a lot different or might not exist at all if things had worked out much differently?

I’m done with “what ifs”.

I’ve spent so long wondering about my own happiness – there was even a period where I felt an erasure of identity (or ‘amnesia of self’, really) – but the truth is that I’ve discovered the key is to stop wondering and just be.

Make choices. Sit with your feelings. Confront them.

There will still be pain. Still tears and flooding memories and sudden reminders of a future you almost partook in.

But then something amazing happens: you begin to reflect not on what you’ve lost but rather what you’ve gained.

It’s crazy. I hope you feel the same way I do. Even if not today, then maybe one day soon… until then, remember the world isn’t against you. You are loved.

I will be releasing more writing over the next few weeks, including poetry and prose! I’m currently working on my final Creative Project for my Masters, and I’m taking a couple courses as well as GA’ing for an Intro to Academic Writing course. In other words, I’m a busy guy but all related to writing in a sense… and, of course, new relationships, a new love, and new prospects for a future that has so far only continued to look brighter and brighter (a far cry from where this naive sad sack of a hopeless romantic once found himself in first year, debating the worth of living!).

Also, go see Joker. Do it for me. Just cause.

Oh, and remember: that’s life!