me.

And then, a new blog was born!

Why it has taken me this long to invest (not literally, cause I do not have that many monies) in WordPress is beyond me… however, it was only a matter of time.

I have always been a writer. I always will be a writer. And much more to the point, I’ve been craving a space beyond the realm of fiction to express myself – especially at a point in my life where I can honestly say I have been starved of self-expression. Maybe it was unintentional or maybe it wasn’t. We are constantly at the mercy of our minds; life is a never-ending, two-way street. So, it seemed for a time that my defeat was eternal. Yet this was merely a construct – one that I had to carefully de-construct (or, as carefully as I could) so I could begin rebuilding who I am and learn to trust again.

I don’t know if you (the beautiful person reading this) have ever felt what it’s like when you’ve lost yourself but I can honestly say it was one of the most awful, degrading, demoralizing experiences I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Of course, it would be easy for me to sit here and blame everyone around me but that is simply not the whole story. I chose to wallow in it – to let it eat at me deep inside. I didn’t fight. I rolled over and let them kick me while I was down.

As my girlfriend Charlotte has pointed out in the past, I have what seems to be a “hero complex.” Basically, I enjoy being the ‘hero’ in someone’s life by taking on their stress and never saying ‘no’ to them (I think you can see where this could start to go downhill for any one person). My ultimate goal is to please everyone… but is that really possible? Time and time again, I’ve learned the hard way that it isn’t. I take on too much and lose myself in the process… over and over again.

The irony is that I used to be quite terrible at time management which made planning nearly impossible. I would say “yes” to something before really considering all of the variables that could affect it. However, I have to profess that in most cases this is because I was saying “yes” to something I really wanted to do or was used to doing (i.e. hanging out with friends, going on trips to other places). I think we all know that life isn’t perfect though and many things happen at once. We really do have to choose where and how we spend our time wisely, something I am fighting to teach myself.

I am passionate about many things and, thus, often feel constrained.

And then I have to ask myself the inevitable question that we all must ask ourselves when we reminisce: am I remembering correctly? Am I who I remember myself to be: the once incredibly free, passionate, out-going, personable me? Or is that just part of the idea I’ve constructed about my past? Maybe the truth is a bit of both. Real and not. And maybe the truth is so much simpler: I am older now…

I sit here, working another late night closing shift at the Front Desk (a job that has really grown on me) and ponder life. How far I’ve come, how much further I have to go. Sometimes we question our future even when we’ve got a good thing going only to come back to that very realisation: I do have a good thing going. I just need to put in the effort to keep it going, as we all do.

Happiness isn’t just something that hits you out of nowhere while you sit waiting for it to come to you. You have to work for it and with it. Be willing to break bad habits and to change as a person.

I love life. I love my girlfriend (and soon-to-be fiancee). And I love what I could accomplish up here in Thunder Bay and in this world.

Here’s hoping I live up to my own expectations.